Seventeen, alive and kicking.

Recently there are much thoughts running through my mind, especially during the night. I began to think deeply about what I wanna achieve in life, what I wanna be the next time and how can I reach my dream. Then I came to my realization that what I wanted to be right now is no longer what I wanted a few years back then.

Right now, I really want to be an artist, not those that draw but however those that perform on stage. Despite this BIG dream of mine, I have no courage or confident to present myself to people..I have no courage to go for auditions and so but nothing is gonna happen if I just lay here. Furthermore everyone teases me when I told them I wanna be like those superstars one day.

I love the stage though I don’t seems to realize back then, I love to perform for people, I love to dance and sing. Although i may not have the vocal or the body to dance but im willing to give in my all if a chance was given to me to prove, i know that i will work hard if thats what i have been yearning for..Probably partly because what matters a lot to me is R.E.C.O.G.N.I.T.I.O.N. Well despite all these mentioned above, I’m stuck in this realistic world which only view success by the amount of certificates you have gotten through your academic life. I don’t study because I like it, it’s simply because that’s how the world view success as.

I hate studying because it seems like I’m being forced into this, being controlled like a puppet. The pattern just goes on, study>get good grades> go to the university> get certificates> good future. I mean it’s true that that’s what good for us but however being able to do what I like and what I truly want matters more to me, at least I know that I’m happy.

I want to be happy I don’t wanna be stuck in this cycle but I can’t just get out as and when I like it because of my family situation. I have gotta be successful in order to offer my mother a good life…to be honest I think I’m gonna be crazy sooner or later. I want to even end my life earlier so that I don’t have to face with all these stress worrying about money, my grades and so.

I wanna learn dance but I have got no money, I can earn it but I have to focus on my studies so god tell me what to do will you? I’m truly lost and I hate it…and lord I’m not feeling happy at all really. I felt suffocated by all these expectations that people and the society has for me. I hate worrying about grades I hate forcing myself to study just because I need to.

Somebody give me some guidance please…I’m dying with all the struggles inside of me and the low level of confidence I’m born with.

Freezing.

I can’t believe my heart aches and tears dripped when we talked, I thought I have already let it go, I thought it’s not gonna affect me, I thought I could go way ruthless with my words to hurt you like how you do to me. And I came to my realization that I couldn’t… I don’t bear to actually do that. I’m in a dilemma, I don’t really wanna answer you a no but also not a definite yes. Probably its because of the fear that is engulfing me, fear of being fearful of what’s gonna happen again. It feels like I’m in antarctic the last few months. That doesn’t feel good at all, you just left without even saying a bye? You just kept me hanging in mid air, struggling whether to wait for your return or to walk away like how you did. So since you have already choose to do that to me why? Why do you choose to come back and tell me the reason behind your departure now? when I have already gave everything up? Yes, now we both know the reason behind it but sometimes things isn’t that simple, there are still tons of other reason why I can’t answer your question,it’s just that I don’t want to make it awkward when we meet so I didn’t say it. It’s so hard for me to try again, I’m not that brave, I’m not prepared for another fall. I know you’re pissed, but you wanted me to be frank. When you are at the point of being angry do you know my heart actually ached whenever I pressed the send button, I would rather me being the one to be hurt than revealing the truth to you and hurt you. I’m not trying to be noble, it’s just because I care, I really do.