The Most Familiarize Stranger

Ironic much? Yes I didn’t wanted to think that way of you, I’ve tried deceiving myself that everything was just that simple, isn’t it? Just tell me it is, I’ll believe, I want to believe. I didn’t expect things to turn out this way, probably it was me who think too much. I hope it is, I wanted to ask you the question that have been haunting me day and night. But I doubt I would get the real answer. I’m sorry if my actions have hurt you because I’m badly wounded too. I tried not to even bother you, talk to you and think of you. Guess what I failed. Why can’t I just be as ruthless as I thought I could be? Why do I still care about your feelings when you don’t give a shit about mine? I don’t want to say this but I love you and I really thank you for all your stupid jokes that accompanied me through the darkest day. “Hahaha”…how I actually missed that.

Now I kinda blame myself for being too harsh on my words, I blame myself for not giving you another chance, I blame myself for being indecisive, why did I answer you a no? Why did i did that when my heart tells me a yes? I don’t sense the sincerity in it, you just seems to do it to make YOU feel better. Oh my god what’s going on man, I guess that you hate me now, I can feel that, but I’m sorry I can’t hate you…

Freezing.

I can’t believe my heart aches and tears dripped when we talked, I thought I have already let it go, I thought it’s not gonna affect me, I thought I could go way ruthless with my words to hurt you like how you do to me. And I came to my realization that I couldn’t… I don’t bear to actually do that. I’m in a dilemma, I don’t really wanna answer you a no but also not a definite yes. Probably its because of the fear that is engulfing me, fear of being fearful of what’s gonna happen again. It feels like I’m in antarctic the last few months. That doesn’t feel good at all, you just left without even saying a bye? You just kept me hanging in mid air, struggling whether to wait for your return or to walk away like how you did. So since you have already choose to do that to me why? Why do you choose to come back and tell me the reason behind your departure now? when I have already gave everything up? Yes, now we both know the reason behind it but sometimes things isn’t that simple, there are still tons of other reason why I can’t answer your question,it’s just that I don’t want to make it awkward when we meet so I didn’t say it. It’s so hard for me to try again, I’m not that brave, I’m not prepared for another fall. I know you’re pissed, but you wanted me to be frank. When you are at the point of being angry do you know my heart actually ached whenever I pressed the send button, I would rather me being the one to be hurt than revealing the truth to you and hurt you. I’m not trying to be noble, it’s just because I care, I really do.